Ever so often I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I’m nervous about something. It’s this uneasy feeling and it spreads throughout my whole body and I become tense. Sometimes I start to shake a little and then I can’t relax. All I can do is wait for it to go away so I try to shake it off and convince myself it’s nothing.

The problem is that the feeling lasts for days at a time. I can’t fight it off for that long so eventually I give up and let it consume me. Then I start trembling and crying and no matter how much I try I can’t breathe so I get this pulsing headache. I don’t know how to make to it stop. I just wait it out. I have no choice but to let the episode pass. Then comes the exhaustion and I just pass out. I sleep for hours.

The worst part is when it ends. I wake up to a migraine every time. That’s not all though. It’s not just anxiety or lack of sleep or good nutrition like all the doctors say. It’s something way bigger than that. Something bigger than me. It’s everything that’s bottled up inside me trying so desperately hard to escape. The moment when I wake up from an episode like that, millions of thoughts rush into my head. The emotions come flooding in and I can’t handle it.

There is too much anger inside me now. Too much frustration. Too much regret. Too much heartbreak. Too much disappointment. Too much sadness. So I begin to lose hope because it seems like it will never end. The last thing I think about before I pull out that razor is how happy I used to be.

It’s not until I see the blood and feel the regret that I know I need to do whatever I can to get back to that happiness I had before. Let’s just hope it’s not too late.